Discipline The Lazy Soul of Mine

"Writing should not be neglected" used to say my screenwriting teacher, Mr. Geller. A free soul. A brave man of ideas and ideals. Those were the days when we all imagined ourselves as the Tennessee Williams', Marquez's of the 21th century. When the year 2000 came, at the turn of the century, with sufficient help from the Almighty, we would have taken the right turns to reach our final destination of self-satisfaction in our career paths. We dreamt that we touch base years later through some high tech medium only to congratulate each other for our individual achievements.

There was no facebook then. So we almost never lost touch. And as years passed us by, it became more and more apparent that 27 is not such an old age after all. In fact, some even made peace by the wrong turns they took by time they were forty. Not me. Not me.

Mr. Geller was first to find out and point out that I was a coward. He repeatedly expressed his concern over students who had the potential but lacked the courage or discipline to write. I was one of them. He even awarded us with a certification of achievement although it was quite clear to me even then that it was intended to motivate us to find our inner voice.

My efforts to start writing during the last twenty years have proven to be futile. I always had someone or something to blame. There was never enough time because of a fast-starting career and the long working hours. Unemployment can be quite distressing. Depression was the scape goat between jobs. Having a baby first time certainly hindered my attempts, mostly due to being too over joyed or too emotional at any given day. Second baby only meant less mommy-time and more cuddles, more nursery rhymes, more reflecting on our purpose in life and humanity. It was loud in my head for a very very long time. So loud that I could not sleep or walk sometimes without virtual writing.

Even my shrink whom I went to see once a year or so just to get some advice or deal with a predicament gave up on me. After a couple of years and five or six visits, he said it out loud. Either I just did not want to write or was too scared too.

I was scared to write anything that would be dishonest and anything that is honest. I was not disciplined either. The timing, the inspirational backsplash music, the feeling was never right. I just could not sit my bottom in front of the screen even for a little while, even to create some piece of literature that is utterly hideous! I cleared the very angry image of Mr. Geller from my mind and succeeded in finding an excuse each and every time. Self-comfort with an untold guilt embedded deep with in.

So here is a chance to discipline this lazy soul of mine! May the words be as loud on the pages as they are in my mind. With sufficient help from the Almighty... With some courage just to try..